Swhet Productions

So, as I'm sure everyone knows, Fallout: New Vegas has been out for several months. And as I'm sure every one knows, it has more bugs than a hooker on a saturday night. I will admit, that game was aight. But, in comparison to Falllout 3, that came was like trudging through 3 feet of but pudding.

I'd like to start out with the bugs. The bugs that were everywhere. The bugs you can't hide from. The bugs that made me have to play the first hour of the game three times. I tried to load my save game, then my XBOX would tell me that my disk was unreadable. So I had to wipe my hard drive of any evidence that I ever played that game and start all over. When I was in new vegas, I walked up to a hooker out side Gohmorrah (one of the casinos, also used for sex) and tried to talk to her. All she had to say to me was "Look what I can do." She started dancing... and floating away. I must admit, even though most whores discust me and do not impress me in the slightest, she blew my expectations out of the park. And yes, that was supposed to have multiple puns. VATS was screwy sometimes. And the enemys would glitch through the floor.

Secondly, the FUCKING INVISIBLE WALLS! I mean Christ almighty. I understand making it so you can't walk up a hill that has a certain slope, but when you managed to get on top of that hill, and feel accomplished, because red rock canyon is right over there, and realise there is an invisible wall on a FLAT AREA, you want to throw your controller into the TV and go get a puppy drunk.

Thridly, the music. The music was an attempt to recreate the feel of the music in fallout 3, which let me say, was awesome. The music was okay, but there were too many radio stations, each of which did not have enough songs. So you would listen to the same 3 or 4 songs over and over again, unless you changed the station. And let me say, the radio hosts on some of the channels, do not even get close to living up to the standards of Three dog (AAAWWWOOOO!)

Fourth, the quests. My god, the quests. They stacked, and they stacked, and they stacked, and they stacked. You would start one, go to talk to someone else, start another, talk to someone else, start another, talk to someone else. Then you would complete that quest, and have to go back up the pyramid of quest givers. It was total bullshit. And, there was no where near enough combat in this game. It was way to diplomatic. Too much talking, not enough shooting.

Fifth, the perks. Most of the perks in this game were really hard to decide on. It's like voting for prime minister. They ALL suck, you just have to choose the lesser of 50 evils. For example, Lead Belly. You get 50% less radiation when you drink from a irradiated water source. I'd like to add, it's damn near impossible to get radiation poisoning in this game. Because 95% of all water is not irradiated.

Sixth, the weapons. Too many fucking weapons.

Seventh, achievements. Some game developer is laughing his ass off somewhere about the fact he put in an achievement for getting kicked out of all the casinos on the strip. I'm pretty sure there is at least 3. What does this entail? Winning 10,000 chips at either black jack, roulette, or slots. So it's completely based on luck. So you'd have to spend 24 hours to complete this achievement. And the achevement for winning 30 games of caravan. The most impossible card game ever invented. Each game takes roughly 5 minutes. Give or take a minute. So, assuming you win EVERY game without losing once, that MINIMUM 150 minutes, or 2 and a half hours of playing cards in a video game. When you could be outside making friends. Which we all know, you don't have any. There is also an achievement for healing 10,000 points of damage with food. The only way I managed to get this achievement was through yet another bug. And it still took me over 3 hours. There are many more, but those are the worst.

8th, "Choose your own path." This game just gives the illusion that you are choosing what path you take. But every story choice, whether you choose to help the New California Republic, Mr. House, Yes Man, or the Legion, all have the same quests. So it's all the same game, no matter what you choose. The 19 minute outro is kinda annoying after the first 5. It tells you what happened to a whole bunch of obscure characters you talked to for like 5 minutes, and you quite honestly don't care. Character development was alright, although, that goes hand in hand with the "Choose your own path" deelio.

Any fallout fan who has played New Vegas will agree that this is possibly the biggest, greasiest, blackest, piece of shit to ever hit the fan of Bathesda industries. So, here are my final ratings:

Story (Originality): 1/5 BULLSHIT!!!s

Gameplay: 3/5 BULLSHIT!!!s

Bugs: 5/5 BULLSHITS!

Voice Acting/ Script: 2/5 BULLSHIT!!!'s

Plot developments/twists: 2/5 BULLSHIT!!!S

Character Growth: 2/5 BULLSHIT!!!s

Ending: 2/5 BULLSHIT!!!s

18/35 or 2.57/5 BULLSHIT!!!s

Remember, the fewer bullshits, the better.

So first, lets start off with the story. It takes place during world war 2, and it is about what would happen if Hitler hadn''t killed himself and Germany had invaded America.

Great idea right? I thought it looked great when I first saw it. Then about 10 minutes in I had already changed my underwear twice and removed 2 babies from the realm of the living. That game is shit. Shit, Shit, Shit, Shit, Shit. I tell you, if I was the producer, after it was finished, I'd hand over the rights to the game to my right hand man, Po from the telletubbies, and jump out the top floor of whatever sorry excuse for a building this game was made in. I mean seriously, you could fuck Chuck Norris' wife and then tell Chuck Norris it was the neighbor and get away with it, and still desereve to die if you had a friend who remotely liked this game.

Now for some reasons why its earned the right to be on our list of bullshits:

#1. There are so many damn bugs in this game starting off with when you get into a firefight, and your hiding around, lets say, a wall and you poke your head out around the corner, and see the guy you were just shooting at is looking at the ceiling and facing the other way, you step out from cover and go to shoot him, but bullets fly out of his gun, go through his face, and hit you, defying all laws off physics, because they are leaving his gun at a 90 degree angle.

#2. You can throw grenades about 3 feet max. So when you see a room full of enemies and you want to throw a grenade through the window, it bounces off the wall below, alerting the hostiles, and damaging you.

#3. Throughout the story, you work with the arrmy for the most part, even though you start out as a construction worker. Throught the whole goddamn game, you're wearing the same goddamn thing! You wear like white cargo pants and a bright orange shirt. You think the army would give you something to wear, especially WHEN YOUR GOING ON FUCKING STEALTH MISSIONS! That pissed me right the fuck off.

#4. The sever lack of checkpoints. Most games nowadays have the ablility to allow you to save pretty much wherever you are, but some give you checkpoints, and for the most part, those games give you reletively frequent checkpoints, except for this game. You get, on average, about 3-4 checkpoints per 1 hour level. Now, quite often, these checkpoints are in random places. I don't know what they were smoking when the decided to give the game 2 checkpoints and a surgery-free sterilization, but let me say it wasn't a good idea.

#5. The weapon system. In any first person shooter I have ever played, when there is an image for the number of bullets you have, the image is in reltive perspective of the number of bullets you have. In this game, underneath the actual number, there are images of bullets, and about lets say 35 of them, so you pick up a shotgun, lets say, and you see you have 35 bullets, your like, "FUCK YES! TIME TO CAP SOME BITCHES!" You take a shot, then 5 of those bullets fade and your like "Who the fuck stole my bullets?" Id you pick up a sniper, you usually lose about half of them per shot, when you take 2 shots, you have to reload.

#6. The melee system. In the game, there is a melee system. And what this system does is when you get close to an enemy, and when it actually WORKS, you get 2 or 3 options of what you can do. Press B to beat them down rather horrifically, usually ending in a stab, or a rather pathetic faint, You can press A to take them as a "Meat Shield" or sometimes press Y to kill them using the envrionment. First of all, we need to remember that  half the time you don't get the option to do anything. But when you do, and you choose just to beat them down, there are several different animations, most of which involve a drastic change in camera angles, and somes the fact that you can see there is never any contact, as if you are watching a bad gr.4 play where one person has to slap another. And then quite often the enemie does a pathetic little faint. Now, if you choose to take the person as a hostage, lets just say at that point, the A.I. forgets that they were ever on thier team. When you take the hostage, first of all, you hold your arm around thier neck, and hold a pistol over thier shoulder as if you were shouting "BACK UP! BUCK UP!" Of course, the A.I. continues to open fire on you. Killing the hostage almost immediately. Which makes you a very angry man.

#7. The hidden paths to get around. Most places you need to go are almost invisble in the dim light of parts of the game.

#8. The accuracy/distance ratio. The accuracy/distance ratio is overwhelming. Meaning some guy can be on a Mounted Machine Gun at 500 meters, and kill you with like 5 shots, as if it were a sniper.

#9. The Ending. Spoilers Alert. If you still give a fuck. In the end, you die. You die in a terribly animated nuclear explosion, and you sacrifice yourself to save the country, and its rather anti-climactic.

There are so many more things I could talk about, and a large number more that I'll remember later, but I've given this damn game enough of my time. So here are my ratings:

Story (Originality): 1/5 BULLSHIT!!!s

Gameplay: 4/5 BULLSHIT!!!s

Bugs: 5/5 BULLSHITS!

Voice Acting/ Script: 3/5 BULLSHIT!!!'s

Plot developments/twists: 5/5 BULLSHIT!!!S

Character Growth: 5/5 BULLSHIT!!!s

Ending: 4/5 BULLSHIT!!!s

I'm not going to have graphics as one of my categories, because I don't care much about graphics, I'm a Wii fanboy.

FINAL SCORE: 3.85/5 BULLSHIT!!!'s (or 27/35)

In reviews to come I plan on adding more sub-categories. My next review will be on Half-Life USS Darkstar, a mod for Half-Life 1. It will be a video review, because its for the PC.