Swhet Productions

I'm sure many of you have heard of the Google vs Yahoo war. For those who haven't, you obviously don't know how to internet and should be violated and disposed of immediatly. But since that perfect world doesn't exist, I'll just tell you. The Google vs Yahoo war is the activity of going onto Google and Yahoo and typing three or four words in the search bar, and seeing what comes up in the search suggestions. Which ever website has a more idiotic/awesome suggestions wins. So for example if I type "How do I" And google suggests "How do I kill a unicorn with rainbows" and Yahoo comes up with "How do I replace a tire" then google obviously wins. So essentially, the more stupid people the site attracts, the more likely they are to win. I'm not gunna actually go to google and yahoo. But Here are a few of the results I got from google that I thought were worth while sharing with you.

Before I go any further, I would like to add that as I started writing this, I went onto google and typed "Is", the suggestion I got was "is kevjumba a heterosexual bear wrestler" quite frankly, I'm not going to rate my results, but this made me laugh really hard. I mean, the hell kinda name is Kevjumba? It sounds like Jabba the Hutt's second cousin twice removed, that the family likes to keep quiet. And I mean of course he's heterosexual. Are there any other kind of bear wrestlers?

Following that, more stupidity comes with the "Can I...", which gave me "Can I kick it?" as well as "Can I eat my period?" Now my first question is, "Are you Black?" If you answered yes, then if course you can. Hell, you can no matter what race you are, except white. White people are made for flailing thier arms and stealing stuff. Including back beats and other ethnicity's freedom's. I also want to know who the hell asked if they can eat their period... Of course you can! You can eat anything as long as it fits in your mouth. But you might want to freeze it first. But I just have to ask, were these questions linked? "Can I eat my period?" "Yes." "Oh... Well... Can I kick it?" "Why are you talking to me I'm a McDonalds worker I don't even know you I'm on break and if you need something just buy food its cheap and you smell like dead dreams." "That's because my vagina is leaking. And I don't have any money to buy food." "Here's a secret. The food is just cow afterbirth." Now that I've put that disturbing image in your head, moving on.

"Why does..." has a few interesting hits, including "Why does my mum turn me on" "why does my keyboard type é" and "Why does my belly button smell"  I will answer all these questions at one go. Because you're a hillbilly. Even though yo mumma smokes about 6 packs a day and thinks it's funny when you're little sister is gets thrown on her ass because she was just handed a Mac 10, there is still something extremely sexy about the way her wrinkles fold when she laughs at the 17 bullet wounds currently spread across your body. Your keyboard types é because at somepoint during your drunken 3 day BBW porn spree, you smashed the keyboard and made it turn question marks into e's with little hats. You then spent the next 2 hours making a 300 page word document that just said "ééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééééé" And you forgot to capitolize. Dumb hick. And of course your belly button smells because your son's (who also happens to be your brother) pet hamster didn't actually run away. You just rolled over on it when you were drunk and it got sucked in. Whether or not it's still alive we don't know. But we can assume it's dead since it smells like Cthulhu's asshole.

Have you had any interesting google or yahoo suggestions? Post them in the comments.

We all have those things that happen right before school starts. Emotions run high, parties slow down, pregnancy test show up positive. But here are 4 things that happen to me every year during summer, mostly before school starts, in no particular order.

4. The dream about missing a class.

I don't know how many people have had this dream, but I get it every year, about a week before school starts. I miss a class because I got side-tracked by a friend, got lost, went in the wrong class room, or ended up fighting dragons with Q-tips... Don't ask. I don't even know. I then find out the next day that I missed the most important lesson of the year... Even though it was the first day. I then drop out of school, join a gang. Start doing drugs. Start selling sex for drugs, or drugs for sex, sometimes I'd sell crack. Then I'd die in a fight with a rival gang, who for some reason has a herd of elephants in the middle of the city. So I'm a little fucked up. Deal with it.

3.The dream at the beginning of the summer that summer is already over.

I always, at the beginning of every summer, have a dream where summer is over, I'm walking to school, the day is cloudy or even rainy, and I'm thinking, "God damn that summer went fast. We didn't even go camping. I could've sworn it's only been a week." Maybe in my dream I was just comatose for the other 7 weeks. But usually it's just because I was asleep.

2. The Facial Deformity

Every goddamn year before school, when picture day is the first day, I get a giant pimple that pops up on my face. In grade 9, it was so fucking big, I had to name it Billy, because I couldn't let it beat me. I still tried to hide it from everyone I saw though. But always, the deformity disappears the next day. Like it was only there to piss me off to begin with.

1. The thought that sometime in the next couple months, a new Halo game is gunna come out that I'm gunna play so hard I'll probably fail at least 1 class.

Almost ever year, for the past 3 years, a new Halo game has come out within the first few months of school. Now, granted, I've never failed a class, I still know that there is a possibility of it fucking me over. Last year was Halo: Reach. Awesome. The year before that, Halo 3: ODST... Meh. This year, Halo: Combat Evolved 10th Anniversary Edition. Say WHAT! Halo has been a part of our hearts and families for almost 10 years? That's right folks. But that's besides the point. Not only is Halo: CE 10th AE coming out in November, Battlefield 3 is coming out in October, and Dead Island, the highly anticipated 4-player co-op zombie survival game is coming out, when? Tomorrow. So the first day of school is also the first day of many to be filled with zombie destroying sexiness.

So that's it. The 4 things that always happen to me during the summer. Any weird things that happen to you before a big annual event? Leave a comment below.

My life, while it seemed to be going really well for a while, I got a job, things were good with my girlfriend, my friends had settled down with each other, and general high school drama seemed to deminish, has recently taken a turn to the "I-don't-know-what-to-do-but-sit-around-and-mope-all-day" kinda life style. By this point you have probably realised this isn't an entry about comedy. This is an entry where I need to unload. I've been getting shitty sleep, and, well, there was only really one thing besides that that has left me drained to empty of all energy or general will to do things. I'm not going to go into details, but let's just say I was forgotten about. Forgotten about by some of the people I'm closest to in the whole world. People that I have given things up for, people who I have taken shit from, and honestly, people who I have wronged before, but where I was gunna get in trouble from one of 2 people, and I'd get in less trouble doing it that way. For one night, I was forgotten about, and left in the shadows. I was lied to, through a lie of ommission, and caught up the next morning about how much fun everyone had without me. And then they claimed that it wasn't their fault they forgot about me... Even though they then told me they were talking about me the previous night...

Whats my point? My point is once again, I've lost faith in humanity. And this time it isn't coming back. Because out of ALL the friends I've ever had, out of ANYONE I've ever gotten close to, only 3 of these people have never lied to me. And only 1 of them holds "Best Friend" status. And he has been my friend since grade 3.

On top of all that, I've recently discovered certain people I already hate are spreading rumors about people who are important to me. Which makes me want to seriously hurt somebody.

I can't say much more. I just needed to say something. I know nobody is ever gunna read this. And I'm gunna get over it. I just need to preserve this. This feeling. I never want to forget how much people can get hurt by the people they love. I've made a promise that I'm no longer gunna hide my emotions for other people's benifit. If people do something to piss me off, they deserve to suffer the consequences. I'm putting this promise in writing. From now on I'm going to assume the worst in people, unless they can prove to me otherwise. That is all I have to say. Until next time, Keep Swehting.

So apparently there is a community somewhere in Coquitlam B.C. (Where I live) who have been scared into their homes by a ferocious wild animal. The wild animal? A bob cat. Seriously people? A BOB CAT. A cat that is maybe twice the size of a house cat... Anybody over 10 could kick the crap out of it, and there is an enitre commumity afraid of it. Global News interviewed a lady who looked about 50 who said something along the lines of "I'm really scared having that animal roam around here freely." When the news reporter asked "Do you have any small children?" She responded with "No. But if I did they would be inside today." Christ. You don't even need to keep your kids inside. Just be good parents and keep an eye on them. As for pets, don't let your cats out for a week. Problem solved. For the love of god, you live on a forested mountain, in BRITISH COLUMBIA. You're gunna see wild life. Get used to it. Don't complain to the authorities and the news and try to get it relocated. It's a bob cat. Probably doesn't wiegh more than 30 pounds. We're entering their territory. If they wanna come into our backyards, let them. They were here first. I can't believe that the news found it worthy for a 5 minute segment at the beginning of the hour. Just stop and think for 30 seconds. You could probably kill the cat with a good kick to the head. If it does start threatening you, kick it in the ribs. Or for crying out loud, you know how you're told to act big around a COUGAR? Do that to the damn thing. If it scares away a mountian lion, it's probably gunna scare something a 10th of it's size away. These idiots are acting like it's a grizzly bear killing children in an elementary school. FUCK! Get you're shit together and realise that to live, you're gunna need to interact with wild life. I've come within literally 5 feet of a bear eating berries. Christ. I just can't get over the fact it's A CAT! And not a mountain lion or a tiger, A BOB CAT! It's not uncommon for people to have them as pets they are so similar to house cats. GAH! FUCK HUMANITY!

Hi, i would like to borrow a moment of your time to talk about god. God is good, God is fair. But you know who is more fair and gooder than God (yes gooder). Satin. He is more reliable than god too, like when meteors strike earth and panic begins, Satin is there. He is there to laugh at us and go "OMG, that was freakin hilarious!" And in a way, u gotta respect him for that.

Now why cant we get those people knocking on my door at 9 AM rather than some religion fanatic who looks like hes about to start spraying me with holy water and scream "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU!" cuz of how bad i look at 9 AM. Not to mention my voice is so gravely that it sounds like my throat is a garborater and is chewing up all the small children bones that i had eaten the night before, remember folks that the bone marrow is the tastiest part!

Anyways point is the way they say it, it sounds totally one sided. Like oh he made adam and eve. but when u think about it adam and eve were the only 2 poeple on the planet. so god just created a hell of a lot of insest. He also said that animals have no souls, last i checked my bitch was still breathing.... and kicking me while she sleeps. I mean sure the bible was good reading back then, but now a days i dont want to spend every sunday in a church looking at words so small they'll kill my eyes before im 40. Also God says have absolutely no fun for your entire life and when u die an unfulfilling life I'll like u. Now the thing is, if u get on gods bad side, u get on satins good side. and they god a whole lot of sex and alcohol down in hell. and i mean all that crap bout satin punishing you, why would he do that. ur both bad dudes. ur bros. ya stick out for each other. So great life and good after life, or terrible life and chill after life. Either way religion is annoying.

So remember kids, that the next time a witness of christ or some crap comes knocking on ur door and waking u up way to god damn early asking you the question if u wanna hear bout christ. say "is that the one where we kill the pig and use his blood to paint circles on the floor? Cuz i already got that upstairs." Then go back out later and wipe the holy water off ur door that we all know he sprayed there.

Oh btw, by bitch i meant dog. And dog spelled backwards is god. and my dog is a bitch. henceforth god is one too...... mindfuck

So I have recently slipped into a depressed lull about the music that has been taking over the industry lately. It's all too... Unilateral. There is nothing NEW. Most, if not all, songs in Much Music's Top 30 are all auto-tuned, hiding any possiblity of someone having a good voice, and just sounding the same as the next guy. All new music is the same. There is no variation. And the stuff that is good, is burried under piles of crap. So to find it you actually have to search.

Granted, this is just my opinion, but I challenge you to prove me wrong about the auto-tune. ANYBODY can make money as long as they have a computer and a mic. Just ask Soulja-Boi. I mean, auto-tune was cool when it first became big. But after Kanye West, it was just over used. Just like almost EVERY other form of art, when someone does something that makes money, everyone else gets lazy and does exactly the same thing. And somehow they make money too. Take Twilight for example. Somebody wrote about vampires, and that book took off. Now the craze is vampires. People are writing books and stories, all based off roughly the same plot. Apparently vampires can walk in sunlight. Which is bullshit. Vampires don't EVOLVE. I'm not gunna get into science here, but the fact is, it's impossible. Anyway, I'm going on a tanjent. Back on subject, get your own material and take risks.

And the lyrics. Oh my god. Whatever happened to "Smack dat hoe" and other great works? I mean, ever since Eminem started writing songs such as "Not Afraid" and "Sing for the Moment", every single rap artist clinged to that. And now ALL rap artist are writing about how life sucked, and they used to have nothing. And that they're singing for all the people still on the bottom. But they aren't doing anything to help those people they're singing about. WE GET IT. Eminem did something smart, made a change, and told the world about it. Now YOU go out and take a risk, you dirty sanchez. Everyone who is singing about the same shit didn't care about it before it was making money. Now they're vomiting it out like it's bad meat. Which just voids what they're saying. Almost all of Eminem's songs are in some way trying to inspire change in someway or another. He also uses A LOT of satire. Especially in "3AM in the Morning." This is why I hate songs like "Airplanes." Because Eminem already did it. I mean sure, a couple people PROBABLY did it before. But Eminem took it to the next level. He showed that white people also live in the Ghetto. And they have tough lives too. And he took advantage of his position and showed the world what he is really about.

Whats even worse... Are remixes of good old 80's and 90's songs. It's bullshit, I like my "I'm Blue" "Your Number One"  "Dear Sister" "Spin Me Right 'Round" and "Numa Numa" they way they were intended, on the internet with fat people dancing to them. Not in shitty remixes where some black dude raps about how he lost his girl, or life sucks, then throwing in "Your Number One", even though it doesn't have anything to do with the rest of the song. It's bullshit, I said it before and I'll say it again. GET YOUR OWN FUCKING MATERIAL. Don't steal a beloved 80's classic and shit all over it to make your music appeal to an older audience. If they don't like you now, they DEFINATELY won't like you after you rape the stuff they do like. Before you know it they're gunna be doing  "Jenny" or "Rock the Casbah".

Rappers try to convince us that they sing because they want to, but it's clearly for the money. If the money they're getting now continued to come in, even if they stopped. I'm willing to bet they would stop singing. Yes, it is a profession, but they could at least TRY. That's all I'm asking. Gimme something new. Actually sing. Then I might consider actually BUYING your music.

Ever have to take a piss REALLY badly, and then when you finally do it's like god just relocated heaven into your bladder? Ever have to take a piss SO badly, that when you do it feels like you can't piss hard or fast enough? And it just feels like you need to pee more even as you release your urine into the porcelain bowl? Like fire fighters attaching a garden hose to a fire hydrant and trying to put out a fire. Nothing really gets the job done.

People need to stop and take a second to think about how awesome it is to go to bathroom. That satisfying "Plop" of a turd that was an apple a day ago. The sheer majesty of our body's ability to turn something as tasty and enjoyable as a roast ham into something as revolting as a pile of escriment. Because, even from the dawn of time, god knew that only I should get to eat that fantastic thing, and nobody else should be allowed to have ANY once I'm done with it... Except for the few people into shit porn. But that's a whole different story.

Most people say grace before eating dinner. I, however, say it after the digestion process is completely over, and instead of using beads to say "hail mary"s on, I use the "Plop"s of my feces landing safely in the water, and I know my babies are safe. Because I need to thank god that nobody ate that thing before I did, and nobody will ever eat it after me. Because only I deserve the tasty treat of that particular snickers bar.

Going to the bathroom is an art. I'm not gunna drop in, grunt, moan, wipe, and leave in a couple seconds as if I was getting a prostate exam. No no no. I'm gunna take my time. I use it as a moment of my life to stop, relax, and take a breath. Because nobody can bother me while I'm pooping. They can't say "Liam, why aren't you doing this?" or "Why haven't you done that?" or "Why is there shit porn on the computer?" Taking a nice healthy dump is the most satisfying feeling ever, especially when it's a nice solid one that you don't have to wipe afterwards. More time to sit and work on that epiphany.

Not taking your time pooping is like Michelangelo throwing a paintbrush at the roof of the Sistine Chapel. Or Leonardo Davinci finger painting The Mona Lisa. You just screw it up. Doing it right takes time, but in the end, people will remember you for centuries afterwards, trying to figure out what the fuck it means. The Mona Lisa for example. People have been contemplating why she is smiling the way she is. Some say she just got married. Just found out she's pregnant. Some even say she's an angel. We can throw all that garbage out the window. The truth is, she just took one really, REALLY good shit, and she felt good about herself. Because without shitting, much of our society wouldn't be the way it is today.

I'm willing to bet the Decloration of Independance has traces of e-coli on it. Becuase back then, people never washed their hands. When Einstien came up with the theory of relativity, he was sitting on the crapper and shot out a turd so hard it turned into energy. When Galileo realised the world was not infact flat, but round, he was watching his turds float around in a bucket of water. And god damnit, when Niel Armstrong was stepping out onto the Moon, the transmission was miss interpreted and staticky when the radio signals were sent back to the earth, so Houston filled in the gaps. The original transmission was "This is one small shit for [a] man. One giant gastronomical explosion for mankind." Because he REALLY had to poop, and he didn't want to do it inside the Eagle.

So next time you drop your trousers and need to evacuate your bowels, take a minute to think about anything. Who knows, maybe you'll discover how to travel at the speed of light, or will find a way to make Rebecca Black sound decent. But more likely the former.

Haven't done very many blog entrys lately. I just recently got Sony Vegas working (Awesome) and I've been working on that, trying to wrap my head around things, just so you know. Even though nobody cares. Also, hopefully have a new comic on the way. We'll see how it goes. Until next time. PIECE!

Hey Internet. It's me. The guy nobody knows about. I've recently been thinking about how parents seem so... revolted by the thought of co-ed anythings. Sleepovers, parties, anything that involves the opposite sex. Because everyone knows, that when someone is only hanging out with members of the same sex, then they are gunna be perfect little angels. But as soon as someone from the opposite sex is included, it instantly becomes a fuck-fest. A place where you walk in, take off your clothes, and choose your poison from the pre-set up buffet. Beer, vodka, rum, and other alcohols on one end. And as you're leaving the table, snort a complimentary line of cocain on the other end. All because little Polly down the street was invited.

Whats even worse is the sleepovers. Heaven for bid a group of guys and girls who are close friends all around just want to spend more time hanging out. No, we are obviously all gunna share a bed and casually fornicate until we either OD or pass out from endorphins. We'd all create a nice sex-circle, where everyone's wants and needs are respected. And everyone recieve coitus all at once.

Or boyfriend and girlfriend. No no no. We don't respect each other, or just want to sleep beside each other, fully clothed. Nope. As soon as we're on a bed, we're gunna instantly start bumpin' uglies. And definately, DEFINATELY will not use protection. It's so obvious that we don't know about pregnancy and how it happens, that we can just revert to our primal insticts of putting the round peg in the round hole... And possibly testing to see if we can get the square peg in there too...

The fact is our parents grew up in the 70's and possibly 80's. And back then, it was all about getting high, and doing what you thought was fun. And listening ot awesome music. But that is besides the point. Our parents think that we will go down the same paths as they did. When the truth is, 40 years later (Yes. 1970 was 40 years ago.), the public education system has (hopefully) improved dramatically. We now know about almost everything out there, not to mention all the advances and discoveries in the medical field. We know about the dangers of drugs and alchohol. But more importantly, we know that the round peg is only supposed to go in the round hole when you're ready, and that that peg should be covered properly. And that you definately SHOULD NOT try to put the square peg in there too...

So lets be realistic here... Even though the media portrays teens as alchoholics, tokers, smokers, and sex fiends, we are smart, and educated to the point of understanding there are limits to what is and isn't healthy for us, and that we (most of us) won't try anything stupid until we are ready for it.

So, for anyone who goes to Gleneagle, you know that me and my buddies like to do crazy stuff. Quite often out of the norm. Sometimes we run down the hallways with people over our shoulders. Sometimes we run down the hallways with 2 or 3 people on our backs... Sometimes we wrestle over nickles and dimes. For some reason, our old principal tolerated all this, and even encouraged it at times. (We will miss you Mr. Matheson)

And there is of course, the OTHER thing that we tend to end up doing... We get... Close to each other. In a joking way, of course. We hug, we share jackets, we sit on each other, we dog pile. But one day, I think we took it to far. I can't remember exactly why, but I do believe one Edward Ross was trying to take something out of my pocket, to which I wasn't resisting. Our friend, Blake, was trying to restrain him. The whole time I was standing pretending nothing was happening. We were making a lot of noise. As usual. But for some reason on this particular day, a teacher decided to come outside. Now, I'm not going to say any names or point any fingers, but he walked out and saw us doing our thing. To which he started saying:

"If you guys are going to be fooling around, go outside. It's perfectly normal for teenage boys to experiment, and try things with other boys, and I'm not judging you on that. But if you can't do it in here." We all started laughing. "No, seriously. Get out. Go try things on each other outside, but not in here." He continued, until he finally kicked us out.

Now, I'm not sure if this man is a homophobe, and wanted to get us as far away from him as possible, or if he thought we were being to loud, but let me add it was lunch time, and I haven't heard about restrictions on noise levels since Grade 8.

So we left, all the while talking about how big of a jerk this guy was. But, at this point, we also decided that "We need to stop doing what we do."  Now, this is the good part.

Yesterday at lunch, we were in our corner. Everytime someone got close to someone else, as it has been for the last 2-ish weeks, someone would mention, or remind that "We need to stopdoing what we do." But, as it were, everyone was doing what we do at this particular moment. Our friend started singing  "My Lumps" by the Black Eyed Peas, Blake and Ed were... Dancing... in a somewhat provocative fashion with each other, and as my friend finished singing, I said "Check it out" and stuck my chest out. At which point my friend (Dillon) went to grab my chest. As doing so, the currently unnamed teacher walked passed, and looked at us funny. We all casually stopped doing what we were doing, when Blake turned around, looked at him and in the most casual tone ever said "Hey" and gave him a nice little wave, as if they were old friends. He walked away as we all burst out laughing.