Swhet Productions

Ever have to take a piss REALLY badly, and then when you finally do it's like god just relocated heaven into your bladder? Ever have to take a piss SO badly, that when you do it feels like you can't piss hard or fast enough? And it just feels like you need to pee more even as you release your urine into the porcelain bowl? Like fire fighters attaching a garden hose to a fire hydrant and trying to put out a fire. Nothing really gets the job done.

People need to stop and take a second to think about how awesome it is to go to bathroom. That satisfying "Plop" of a turd that was an apple a day ago. The sheer majesty of our body's ability to turn something as tasty and enjoyable as a roast ham into something as revolting as a pile of escriment. Because, even from the dawn of time, god knew that only I should get to eat that fantastic thing, and nobody else should be allowed to have ANY once I'm done with it... Except for the few people into shit porn. But that's a whole different story.

Most people say grace before eating dinner. I, however, say it after the digestion process is completely over, and instead of using beads to say "hail mary"s on, I use the "Plop"s of my feces landing safely in the water, and I know my babies are safe. Because I need to thank god that nobody ate that thing before I did, and nobody will ever eat it after me. Because only I deserve the tasty treat of that particular snickers bar.

Going to the bathroom is an art. I'm not gunna drop in, grunt, moan, wipe, and leave in a couple seconds as if I was getting a prostate exam. No no no. I'm gunna take my time. I use it as a moment of my life to stop, relax, and take a breath. Because nobody can bother me while I'm pooping. They can't say "Liam, why aren't you doing this?" or "Why haven't you done that?" or "Why is there shit porn on the computer?" Taking a nice healthy dump is the most satisfying feeling ever, especially when it's a nice solid one that you don't have to wipe afterwards. More time to sit and work on that epiphany.

Not taking your time pooping is like Michelangelo throwing a paintbrush at the roof of the Sistine Chapel. Or Leonardo Davinci finger painting The Mona Lisa. You just screw it up. Doing it right takes time, but in the end, people will remember you for centuries afterwards, trying to figure out what the fuck it means. The Mona Lisa for example. People have been contemplating why she is smiling the way she is. Some say she just got married. Just found out she's pregnant. Some even say she's an angel. We can throw all that garbage out the window. The truth is, she just took one really, REALLY good shit, and she felt good about herself. Because without shitting, much of our society wouldn't be the way it is today.

I'm willing to bet the Decloration of Independance has traces of e-coli on it. Becuase back then, people never washed their hands. When Einstien came up with the theory of relativity, he was sitting on the crapper and shot out a turd so hard it turned into energy. When Galileo realised the world was not infact flat, but round, he was watching his turds float around in a bucket of water. And god damnit, when Niel Armstrong was stepping out onto the Moon, the transmission was miss interpreted and staticky when the radio signals were sent back to the earth, so Houston filled in the gaps. The original transmission was "This is one small shit for [a] man. One giant gastronomical explosion for mankind." Because he REALLY had to poop, and he didn't want to do it inside the Eagle.

So next time you drop your trousers and need to evacuate your bowels, take a minute to think about anything. Who knows, maybe you'll discover how to travel at the speed of light, or will find a way to make Rebecca Black sound decent. But more likely the former.